Why Can’t You Be (feat. Kimya Dawson) - Third Eye Blind

it’s funny because i see this comic strip in two parts. the first part illustrates someone asking you if you’re going to let me prance out of your life, and you’re unresponsive but there’s sadness there.

in the second part though, i’m the frog-creature and i’m crying and i’m defiant and i’m weak, and i admit, i would love to maybe catch glimpses of you from a distance, watch you, find myself beguiled yet again by your baffling existence, by your wrongness, by your ugliness, your assailing beauty.

i will always cling to my initial impression of you and adamantly block out the changes in you that have since manifested themselves. it’s not something i can help, for some reason.

wake up exhausted - tegan and sara

this is a song that, a couple of weeks ago, i used as a sort of therapy. i pretended you were tegan and you were singing this to me. it made me feel better to think that maybe you cared and maybe you really did want me to move on and be okay.

“are you alright? i can stand up straight.” i know, i know, and it hurts but i know.

“can you get me off your mind?” i’m trying.

i listen to this song and i’m reassured. i think maybe you’re hoping i’ll come back into your life soon and be all fixed up and fine because right now i’m just not.

mostly though i think you don’t give a fuck at all about how i feel or what you did to me and that, if anything, it’s just an ego-boost to know someone is this crazy about you …which is when i feel like these lines are accurate “and i find out that you’re angry and you’re sorry you ever met me” because i am angry, and sometimes i do regret having gotten to know you. sometimes. mostly i don’t. i don’t tend to have regrets, especially in this case where there was once a time where you gave me so much. it’s been a long time since then though and the aforementioned lyrics do often apply these days when i find myself really hurting.

you wanted me just for a holiday
or was it to pad your resume?
what do you give me but unwanted breakthroughs?
strange how certain details subvert everything…

i was looking through old journal entries last night while simultaneously confessing to you how i felt in spurts of typed up pixelated text (via msn). i was telling you how i thought it might be best if we stopped seeing each other altogether because it was the one thing we hadn’t tried and i really wanted the pain to stop. i was telling you this, fingers nervous but fervent, and minutes after, as i scrolled down the digital documentation of the past months’ emotions in a word document, i saw that this has in fact been a recurring concept that i’ve just been continually pushing away! (the whole quitting cold turkey idea, i mean)

i know it’s the solution. i know it for certain. the problem is, i’ve also learned that i don’t actually want a solution. and maybe we can stop fooling ourselves by dispelling the argument that i may actually enjoy the pain and the suffering that comes from having feelings for you, that i may simply be an angsty teenager who aspires to be a modern day tragedy story; because, to be honest, i avoid finding a solution to this because i’m still hopeful. i still wish that somehow, in some rather unfathomable way, you’ll manage to sweep me off my feet and prove me wrong… that you’ll somehow revert back to that magnificent character i met during first semester of college and you’ll show me how fucking good you can be.

sitting in the sports bar last week, you insinuated that very thing. you told me that i was probably just waiting around for you to realize that you did in fact want a relationship with me. i’d denied that. i’d retorted, as nonchalantly as i could, with a “i’d never expect that from you”. and i suppose i don’t… but on a subconscious level, i pray for you to want to be with me, i really do.

anyway. the point of this was… well, the point w.. i’m not sure. this happens way too often! UGH.

no, no. i’ve got this. the point was that, yesterday, i told you how i felt and, for the first time, i let you in on what were supposed to be my private plans to “quit you”, as it were. this seemed to bother you only a little bit and i think that’s what i needed. i needed the indifference (perhaps —and this is very, very likely— i made you seem more indifferent in my head only to accentuate the sting), but that, coupled with the newfound realization on your part that you still had feelings for the last girl you were with, made for a very easy conclusion to be reached on my part: the solution.

so yeah. i was supposed to stop talking to you today… but i was running along the side of the road in attempts not to be late for a job interview when i nearly tripped over a groundhog ..and, and well the point is that the immediate thought that came to mind was to text you to tell you about it. and i did it. i couldn’t resist. and then you texted back with something light and friendly and i never responded because i like the feeling of having something of yours to read without the dread of waiting for your reply.

and now it’s 1:30am and you’re at your friend’s house having a little high school reunion; a past conquest is there with you.. she’s dating the boy whose house you’re at and i’m nervous. i have absolutely no right to it. i wish i could understand that. i wish i could revel in the “i miss you”s and the “we should get together soon”s that you keep slipping into each text, rather than sulk because of the lighthearted side-comments about how you might hook up with jocelyne tonight. i mean, i know you won’t… you wouldn’t— you couldn’t.. but still, i worry. and i hate that i worry because the whole point of me pulling out, of quitting you, of detaching, is to get myself uninvolved in your life. fuck. FUCK.

i don’t know what else to say. i think i just needed to write out all of this stuff to make myself better understand what is going through my mind, and to perhaps show myself how much of a complete buffoon i am for getting so wrapped up in this shit.