i think part of the reason i’m so attracted to the emotional and romantic aspects of relationships is because it gives me an intellectual rush. it makes me analyze and find symbolism in small actions and expressions of feelings. i overthink, but the overthinking, though usually rather exhausting, is part of the fun. i mean i’m overreacting now because i’m just overwhelmed by the amount of relations with boys i’ve had in the last 24 hours, but it’s also.. i don’t know. girls, man. girls. they’re just so lovely. i miss girls.

if i’m going to be with a guy, i need him to be rough with me. otherwise, if he’s too gentle and sweet, i’m just reminded of the lack of femininity, which defeats the purpose.

matt and i discussed this. he asked me what my type was. i said i preferred masculine guys because i didn’t need that blurred line between genders to just confuse me more. i mean i totally accept all things lgbqt and someday hope to be more integrated or educated on the alternative lifestyles out there, but i’, going through a period in life where most things confuse me, and i just need some kind of certainty. some kind of simplicity.

my mind works too hard. the problem is i like it and i fear that if i think less, there’s no point. time to read up on existentialism a little more before i kill myself.