i hated how that entire time, through all the averting of the eyes and forced uninterested looks and superfluous laughter in response to saeed and nicole’s comments, all i wanted to do was meet your gaze and give you a sympathetic smile. maybe a hug too. or sound out of my mouth, reverberating off your eardrums, making your neurons work, the corner of your mouth twitch, a stifled smile; anything. you don’t deserve it though.

i mean, it would be more for me than anything really, but still…

and i hate the tenderness i feel towards you when you’re near and the complete abhorrence i feel when we’re apart. sometimes even those two emotions become reversed and i can’t stand being around you but crave you when you’re gone! it’s terribly exhausting.

god, this is such a mess. we all just need a little bit of sleep.