December 2011
1 post
2 tags
November 2011
1 post
2 tags
“I loved you like a man loves a woman he never touches, only writes to, keeps...”
– Charles Bukowski
August 2011
2 posts
May 2011
2 posts
4 tags
“…moi, je suis intact, et ça m’est égal.”
– arthur rimbaud
2 tags
April 2011
3 posts
how to disappear completely
i feel like i hurt too many people. i feel least sorry about you, k. but my babe, my lex… and poor n, who will love me and love me even when she knows i don’t feel the same. this is awful. i don’t simply want to disappear, i want to erase myself from their lives. i hate the idea of having caused anyone pain. especially lex. i feel most helpless there.
4 tags
it’s frightening to think that during first semester, i stayed up until 4 a.m. every night and woke up every morning at 8 for class. and it’s interesting to consider i wasn’t out anywhere, i was only at my computer writing words.
..tonight i feel like i’m in the past and it’s all too real.
i wish my hair was grown out again and i was having a rum and pepsi before a tegan and sara show.
or else...
December 2010
1 post
we're amazing together.
November 2010
1 post
i obviously get off on making myself miserable. i want you so bad all of the time and it’s unbearable and impossible. i can’t be this dependent on a person in order to function. it’s irrational and if i persist with this and don’t bring a stop to it, it will only get worse and the downward spiral will result in me spinning in circles with smaller and smaller radii until...
August 2010
2 posts
some kind of simplicity
i think part of the reason i’m so attracted to the emotional and romantic aspects of relationships is because it gives me an intellectual rush. it makes me analyze and find symbolism in small actions and expressions of feelings. i overthink, but the overthinking, though usually rather exhausting, is part of the fun. i mean i’m overreacting now because i’m just overwhelmed by the...
gave head to some dude last night
was my first time. only further confused me in terms of sexual orientation. i don’t know if i liked it per se but it wasn’t awful. unfortunately i was on my period so i couldn’t have him reciprocate. to be honest though, i did it more in the name of “research” rather than lust or anything like that. also i was pretty wasted.
he was nice though. apparently he dumped...
July 2010
9 posts
2 tags
1 tag
everything is grey and bland and exhausting and, for lack of luster, my pupils expand in the light.
2 tags
wake up exhausted - tegan and sara
this is a song...
3 tags
my dad needs to get his mother into a fucking home...
this is ridiculous. i have to ask permission to use my own bathroom and she shits everywhere and she gets mad at me when i don’t say hi to her in the mornings and then refuses to let me sit with the family at dinner time because she is still holding the morning’s grudge. FUCK OLD PEOPLE.
okay i know that’s kind of mean but seriously we are not equipped to house a dying woman...
2 tags
1 tag
babe, you're falling off your pedestal fast
and you falter. you’re despicable now. you’re not you. you’re not the girl i was mad for, you’re the one who makes me mad, with your addiction to drugs (and endlessly going on about them) and your sad, sad stories about how you’re wanted.
i know i’m losing you. losing you in me, i mean. i lost you months ago. but the you in me is leaving now too. i listen to...
operation ho is short for honey will happen by early to mid august
i hate people
June 2010
6 posts
2 tags
you wanted me just for a holiday or was it to pad your resume? what do you give me but unwanted breakthroughs? strange how certain details subvert everything…
1 tag
i was looking through old journal entries last night while simultaneously confessing to you how i felt in spurts of typed up pixelated text (via msn). i was telling you how i thought it might be best if we stopped seeing each other altogether because it was the one thing we hadn’t tried and i really wanted the pain to stop. i was telling you this, fingers nervous but fervent, and minutes...
whisker lost
am i losing my sensitivity too?
3 tags
“dear sweets,
you just want to be self indulgent, so you might as well carry...”
– b. hirji
2 tags
while kicking around the soccer ball at tonight’s game, i let my mind wander off. i began to think about what a shame it was that she loved herself more than me, more than anyone. she is so self-absorbed and always will be. it’s beautiful and i envy it. everyone should love themselves above others. it’s a type of self-sufficiency that i think most wish they possessed. i speak for...
3 tags
May 2010
5 posts
sometimes i think i’m going crazy. it’s just the little things, like not understanding the concept of time (how does it travel so slow/so fast sometimes? is it all a lie? d’you figure that maybe the way we measure it isn’t right? that units of time are always unique and that to limit an amount of it to a fixed number — 60 within 60 within 24 within 7 within 52 within...
4 tags
she wears my sweater.
i wonder if it’s washed, and, if not, are you comforted by the smell? i wonder if you places any sentimental value on it, if you are conscious of its owner when you are wearing it.
i wonder these things because i know that if i had some item of clothing that belonged to you, i’d probably exhibit all of the above… and as much as there is beauty in unrequited love, there is...
3 tags
2 tags
i hate that you cause me so much pain and suffering and i don’t seem to affect you at all yet, regardless, the second you start to feel sad (about anything, not necessarily about me… god, as if about me), i feel the irresistible urge or desire or need to take away your pain. oh god just please don’t hurt, don’t be miserable.
2 tags
brown paper bags, liquid wheat secrets in silver cans, popcorn machines, you’ve got friends in high- no, low places, and you say you are floating over countertops, amassing kernels in outstretched arms, i laugh in response. time is lost in empty theatres, running through bathrooms in socks, kissing on benches in empty forums, you tell me you like that. i have an awful memory but what i do...
April 2010
5 posts
1 tag
fuck
i hated how that entire time, through all the averting of the eyes and forced uninterested looks and superfluous laughter in response to saeed and nicole’s comments, all i wanted to do was meet your gaze and give you a sympathetic smile. maybe a hug too. or sound out of my mouth, reverberating off your eardrums, making your neurons work, the corner of your mouth twitch, a stifled smile;...
2 tags
i made room for you beside me
we met underground in a place we both didn’t want to be tentative utterance of a day in february and i made room for you beside me seventeen, twenty-seven you are the smell of tapioca, whatever that is and my perception of you, of me, of everything has changed you have opened my eyes
2 tags
2 tags
“ubiquitous, yet so absent
almost to the point of not existing.
are you real?...”
– where is my mind? by sarah